Anglo-Catholic Ninja Weapons and Gear: Part 1 March 7, 2007
Posted by Ninja Clement in General.trackback
The Real Ultimate Anglo-Catholic, our Thurible Master Ninja, has listed a few Anglo-Catholic weapons and gear:
- The Anglican Breviary
- The Biretta
- Altar at St. Clement’s in Philadelphia (not sure how the AC ninja is supposed to conceal this)
- Gin Martinis (more than one per AC ninja, presumably)
It’s definitely a RUAC (Real Ultimate Anglo-Catholic) selection. The thing is, these weapons are rather difficult to wield and, frankly, some of them are not even that deadly. If an AC ninja came accross a Calvinist, would he whip out his gin martini? The Calvinist would probably call him a wussy boy and smack him around town with a fine bottle of single-malt whiskey (just look at crazy Reformed lad RC Sproul Jr. checking out his collection). So, with due respect to the Master, AC ninjas have to be better armed, especially when on patrol in low-church zones. To develop dexterity and flexibilty at an early stage , we suggest that acolytes begin training with the…
Double-bladed crosier
Do not try this at home boys and girls. Seek the guidance of an Anglo-Catholic ninja master please.
Anglo-Catholic Ninjas 
Just received a communication from a Calvinist, and he would use the Prayer Book’s 39-articles.
So watch out for that!
Ouch! We will send the The Caroline Divines to fight the Puritans! Back to Geneva, all of you! Do not collect $200! 🙂
The key to defeat the heretical “predestined to be drunk under the table by Anglo-Catholic Ninjas” Calvinists…is to also drink single-malt whiskeys, beer, wine, absinthe, paint remover, plutonium—everything, really. It’s a matter of being completely immune to all poisons…and to figure out interesting new cocktails. Oh yeah, and prayer to the BVM too. (She doesn’t need the booze though; her Son made enough of it at Cana.)
But, on top of the previously mentioned weapons, I would also suggest a Paschal Candle (can be used as a lance, battering ram, or baseball bat), cranky people in the choir, rosaries (OF DOOM!), leftover hardened Shrove Tuesday pancakes, and Web Elves. There are other weapons, but one must be trained in them…and they are far too great to mention without having, at least, another nip of illegal Irish whiskey that I obtained from my Eastern Orthodox bishop friend*.
Cheers, and KEEP THE POWER GOIN’! BOOYEAH!!!!
-j
*I couldn’t make that up if I tried; it’s actually in a “legal” Scottish whiskey bottle. And, for it being made in a still…it’s pretty good! It’s excellent training fodder to survive against the Free Presbyterians.
That’s, er, a lot of new weapons to acquire profficiency with (rosaries of DOOM? Am I supposed to lash someone with them?). But we will get started right away, Thurible Ninja Master! We will crush the Reformed rebels, tear down the walls of Geneva and drink to the honour of Our Lady!